True Stories of Summer Camp

First Hiking Trip
Matthew: Worst scenario imaginable. You take a five year trip to outer space, then when you come back you see that Earth has blown up.
Bradley: That would suck.
Me: Or Justin Bieber could rule the world...
Everyone: OHHHHHHH...
Annoying Kid: Yeah, he would have all men castrated (in a really high voice) so they sound like this.
Me: I don't think that means what you think it means, dude...
Bradley: What does it mean?
Me: It means the neutering of a male horse. I would know, since I was forced to freaking observe one last year.
Everyone: ...
Me: Yeah. That's what I thought.
Olly: (listening to loud metal music, has just missed the entire conversation)

Burlington Shopping Trip
Rob: (plugs his iPod into the bus stereo, plays strange music)
Ari:
Me: What the f*ck is this?
(Getting off the bus, around an hour later.)
Me: How did your bus ride go?
Olly: Please don't talk to me. These kids were screaming the whole time. I couldn't sleep.
Me: At least you didn't have to listen to cheesy Harry Potter porn music...
Olly: ... Wait, what?

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Factory Trip
Noah: When I saw that sign that said don't tap the glass, I expected to walk into the next room and see a sign that said, "Please don't tap the glass. It might scare our lawyers." You would tap on the glass and all the lawyers would huddle in a corner scared to death.
(Same trip, at the ice cream window a few minutes later.)
Bradley: I'm gonna order vanilla just to piss everybody off. (shows up at our table a few minutes later with vanilla)
Me: Seriously?
Ari: Who orders vanilla at Ben & Jerry's?
Bradley: Even the lady at the counter looked weirded out.

My Bunk's Farm Trip
Ari: (walks up to a baby alpaca) Hi, alpaca!
Alpaca: (runs away)
Olly: "Bye, Ari!"
Me:
Goat: (attacks Baila's shins)
Baila: Help! Get this goat away from me!!
Me: C'mere, goat.
Goat: (walks over to me and calms down)
Me: Like a boss...

Creative Writing Class
Me: Okay. Say you're trapped on a deserted island with only Offenderman. He says he's going to chase after your for three days. If you can avoid him for that long, he's going to let you go. What's the first thing you do?
Lauren Marcoux ... Kill myself.

Independence Day Fireworks Show
Crowd: USA! USA! USA!
Some Kid: Mexico! Mexico! Mexico!
Grant: Belgium!
Me:
Lauren Mattingly: F*ck England!!
British Counselors:
Nicole: (drags her away)
Me: That escalated quickly...

Just After a Swim Lesson
Jason: (drawing in the sand on the beach, being very careful and keeping others away from his drawing)
Me: I just wanna stomp all over it. The second that kid turns around...
Olly: As much as I want to do that too, it's not a good idea.
Jason: (leaves)
Me: (walks over to his drawing) Hm... OOPS!! (steps on it and messes it up as much as possible)
Lifeguard:
Nicole: Taylor, c'mon! Time to go!
Me: Okay!! (messes up the drawing more and runs away, laughing)

The Most Painful Creative Writing Class
Kevin: (tells this long, drawn-out story about riding a bike through the city, eating ice cream, and returning home)
Me:
Henry:
Max:
Grant:
Moses:
Danny: (nearly asleep)

Talking on the Main Lawn, 2 Days After Bunk Shaving Cream Fight
Olly: Sky just got so mad at me because I told her she should put on a different shirt. You can see her boobs through that one. Wouldn't you want someone to let you know if that was the case with you?
Me: Just forget about her. She's a jerk anyway. What you should be worrying about is how we're going to explain all the white stuff all over our bunk's lawn...
Bradley:
Olly:

After Free Swim Period
Olly: Gosh, my butt is so cold...
Me: Offenderman logic... (in a really deep voice) Would you like me to warm that for you?
Olly: OHMIGOD, TAYLOR!!
Me:

Superhero Presentation Night
Me: Nancy, I feel like I'm gonna throw up... Can I leave?
Nancy: I'm sure you're fine.
(Later, at the bunk.)
Me: (throws up)
Eleanor: I think Taylor just threw up...
Nancy: Nah, she's fine. Oh, she really did...
(On the way to the nurses' office.)
Nancy: I feel like a big jerk for not believing you.
Me: It's okay. (thinking: Yeah, I bet you do, bitch!!!)